Discovering Strobist was the best thing that could have happened to me photography-wise. However, I quickly got overwhelmed and started second-guessing myself. I also let fear get in the way. And possibly boredom. The 365 project is a bust, I didn’t even make it to day 7 I think. I got busy with other things (like Tae Kwon Do and all my kids various activities), and I felt like I was stuck.
For the first time in over 3 months I picked up the camera. I went to the Morton Arboretum with my family and took a few pictures. I’m hobbled and on crutches, so unfortunately, I was limited in what I could take pictures of. It had to be easy to access and not so far away that I was going to collapse from exhaustion. It felt good to be behind the camera again, but also frustrating. I’m constantly editing myself before I’ve even tried anything. I don’t trust my eye anymore. I feel like someone just handed me this camera and told me I need to come up with something spectacular.
Perfectionist much?
As with most creative endeavors (writing is one example I can think of), I know that a lot of learning is doing. But I think that’s where I get stuck. I can never think of what to shoot. I feel like my world is so freakin’ small that I already shot what I want to (or can). And I find myself using the typical excuse of a novice “My equipment sucks, it would be so much better if I had ______”. However, I do wonder how much of that is true. I looked high and low for a nice piece of shiny black marble (granite?) tile to use as a base for smaller, lightbox shots and couldn’t find one. I can’t find white or black plexiglass. I’m using the kit lenses for my camera because that’s all I have (and all I can afford). I would love a second off camera flash and the hardware needed to make it wireless. I would love to take some portraits (not just headshots) in my house, and can’t find a way to make it possible with the limited space available to me. I don’t want to re-arrange my entire living room every time I need a full body shot.
Excuses, excuses, excuses. I’ve lost my confidence. I have an idea in my head about what I want to do, then struggle to get it to read right when I shoot it. I’m not ready to shoot photos of people (save for my immediate family), and I’m bored stiff with outdoor shots. I’m trying to figure out a way to make them more interesting without having to tote so much gear. I look at tutorials and initially think “I think I can do that, I can’t wait to try it” and quickly move to not trying at all because it seems like so much work. I’m wondering how much of my seasonal depression is in that last sentence.
What started out as a fun hobby with some interesting experiments, has turned into massive frustration. And guilt. About the money I’ve spent thus far getting one off camera flash and some minimal equipment. About starting off so fired up and flaming out so quickly and so thoroughly.
I want to get back into it. Setting up a challenge for myself is something I’ve been considering, but I need to be careful not to pressure myself so much I snap. Some ideas I’ve had is a month-long challenge where everyday I shoot something pertaining to the letters of the alphabet, starting with A and using either numbers or colors to round out the month. Or just let myself have some days I could use if I can’t get to a shot. It’s also frustrating because I am a stay-at-home mom and I get some major resentment from my husband for having the time to “play around” with my hobbies.
I think I need to just start brainstorming and spitballing ideas and put them down on paper, and just grab one and go for it. Without any time constraints. Just the goal of getting it done.
I’m leaving you with one of my favorite pictures from today. Of all the trees I took pictures of, my favorite was of a red maple leaf on the concrete wall. Enjoy.
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