Can’t. Resist. Bokeh.

I caved and did a totally bokeh shot for Christmas.  I have to say, despite it being overdone all over flickr, I really enjoyed the result.

The Moment It Clicks

I got the best Christmas gift from my husband’s cousin.  This man is genius in picking gifts out for people.  He got me a book I’ve been wanting for a long time, but for some reason never bought for myself.

I Let the Overwhelm Get to Me

Discovering Strobist was the best thing that could have happened to me photography-wise.  However, I quickly got overwhelmed and started second-guessing myself.  I also let fear get in the way.  And possibly boredom.  The 365 project is a bust, I didn’t even make it to day 7 I think.  I got busy with other things (like Tae Kwon Do and all my kids various activities), and I felt like I was stuck.

For the first time in over 3 months I picked up the camera.  I went to the Morton Arboretum with my family and took a few pictures.  I’m hobbled and on crutches, so unfortunately, I was limited in what I could take pictures of.  It had to be easy to access and not so far away that I was going to collapse from exhaustion.  It felt good to be behind the camera again, but also frustrating.  I’m constantly editing myself before I’ve even tried anything.  I don’t trust my eye anymore.  I feel like someone just handed me this camera and told me I need to come up with something spectacular.

Perfectionist much?

As with most creative endeavors (writing is one example I can think of), I know that a lot of learning is doing.  But I think that’s where I get stuck.  I can never think of what to shoot.  I feel like my world is so freakin’ small that I already shot what I want to (or can).  And I find myself using the typical excuse of a novice “My equipment sucks, it would be so much better if I had ______”.  However, I do wonder how much of that is true.  I looked high and low for a nice piece of shiny black marble (granite?) tile to use as a base for smaller, lightbox shots and couldn’t find one.  I can’t find white or black plexiglass.  I’m using the kit lenses for my camera because that’s all I have (and all I can afford).  I would love a second off camera flash and the hardware needed to make it wireless.  I would love to take some portraits (not just headshots) in my house, and can’t find a way to make it possible with the limited space available to me.  I don’t want to re-arrange my entire living room every time I need a full body shot.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.  I’ve lost my confidence.  I have an idea in my head about what I want to do, then struggle to get it to read right when I shoot it.  I’m not ready to shoot photos of people (save for my immediate family), and I’m bored stiff with outdoor shots.  I’m trying to figure out a way to make them more interesting without having to tote so much gear.  I look at tutorials and initially think “I think I can do that, I can’t wait to try it” and quickly move to not trying at all because it seems like so much work.  I’m wondering how much of my seasonal depression is in that last sentence.

What started out as a fun hobby with some interesting experiments, has turned into massive frustration.  And guilt.  About the money I’ve spent thus far getting one off camera flash and some minimal equipment.  About starting off so fired up and flaming out so quickly and so thoroughly.

I want to get back into it.  Setting up a challenge for myself is something I’ve been considering, but I need to be careful not to pressure myself so much I snap.  Some ideas I’ve had is a month-long challenge where everyday I shoot something pertaining to the letters of the alphabet, starting with A and using either numbers or colors to round out the month.  Or just let myself have some days I could use if I can’t get to a shot.  It’s also frustrating because I am a stay-at-home mom and I get some major resentment from my husband for having the time to “play around” with my hobbies.

I think I need to just start brainstorming and spitballing ideas and put them down on paper, and just grab one and go for it.  Without any time constraints.  Just the goal of getting it done.

I’m leaving you with one of my favorite pictures from today.  Of all the trees I took pictures of, my favorite was of a red maple leaf on the concrete wall.  Enjoy.

Two Front Teef

I convinced my youngest daughter to sit for me for a few minutes. I mostly wanted to try to capture her eye color but I really liked how she looked in this one. It seems to capture who she is.

Strobist: One strobe at 1/4 power bounced into a silver umbrella at camera right.

Frustration

365.17 Frustration, originally uploaded by headcase.

I getting so frustrated with myself lately. I have barely given photography and lighting (more so lighting) the time or attention it deserves. I feel like at the rate I’m going, I’m never going to “get it”. I’m also totally frustrated with the poor-man’s setup I’ve got going. Sheets and tablecloths will only get me so far, and there are precious few places for me to take a picture that doesn’t reveal the barely contained toy chaos that seems to sprout in every room in the house.

Not to mention how much I’m disliking my portraits lately. I have such a serious expression in most of them because I think I look like a total goober when I smile. That and the camera is unforgiving. Some of my photos reveal the subtle signs of aging that I never noticed. The gray hairs, the crow’s feet starting to appear. It’s giving my photoshop chops a workout. Usually I fart around trying to fix a few things and then usually scrap that and go with the original, even though I’m not entirely pleased with the dark circles (which I can’t seem to fix with makeup OR photoshop). Seriously, I think I’m going to be doing a few DIY projects in the next week or so, just so I have an easier time working with the single strobe I own. I want to put some foam-core on one side for fill, however I have no where to put it and nothing to hold it. It’s cramping my already limited options.

I’m starting a list of possible photo ideas (not just self-portrait either).  Some may pan out, some may not, but I won’t know until I try.  I need to start exploring outside of my comfort zone.  Any tips or advice anyone can share as to how I can do that?

Self-Portrait for Friday

365.16, originally uploaded by headcase.

I’m getting seriously frustrated with my lack of gear. I’m starting to think I need at least one more strobe and a few stands to hold reflectors, etc. Maybe a trip to the pvc aisle in Home Depot is in order soon.

Strobist: One strobe camera right near the ceiling, 1/2 power through a “softbox” (my macro studio cube).

I hate that the background is wrinkled.

Time keeps on ticking…

I haven’t been able to spend the time I’d like on lighting techniques or photography in general. One of the things I need to do is take my camera with me everywhere. Already I’ve seen a few things that I wanted to shoot and realized that I was out of luck because my camera was sitting at home on my dining room table. I threw together a few shots today just to keep my feet in the water. I think they can be improved, but I’m not interested in staying up until midnight to figure it out. I’m hoping to devote more time in the coming weeks to taking photos.

Strobist: One strobe at 1/16 power to right of balls and slightly above. Shot through white fabric to soften and white foam-core on right to bounce the light back.

This is a cup and saucer set that was my grandmothers.  I was looking for something to shoot and my eyes landed on this.

Strobist: Strobe through side of macro studio at 1/16 power just above the base. I wanted to try to get some of the detail to pop out.

Self-portrait for the day

Sort of a strange title considering I don’t post a self-portrait every day.  I took this in the foyer.  I figured it was time for a daytime shot with something other than a black background behind me.

Strobist: Ambient light coming in from rear camera left. Flash at 1/4 power through softbox (ok, really it’s my macro studio box over the flash) from camera right.

Star Magnolia

Our magnolias are blooming, the first sure sign of spring.  I had to capture them before I missed my opportunity.

Strobist:  Vivitar 285HV at 45 degrees behind the flowers at 1/4 power (I think)

Strength

Here’s my self-portrait for the day. I’m feeling especially strong and good about myself after a fantastic lesson in tae kwon do.

Strobist: One Vivitar 285HV fired from directly above at 1/16 power. I tried to soften it by shooting it through a few layers of tracing paper. I really need to get a softbox and/or white umbrella, ya think? Sent through PS to black out the background.